I don’t know how to relax.
I mean, really relax. Like way deep down inside where my cells sigh and say, “ahhhhhhh.”
I hear that people take vacations to relax, and I can do that for a day or two before I’m sneaking off to use my cell phone in the bathroom stall to text my office manager to see how the sales are coming. (She usually tells me to knock it off. Though I do believe at this very moment she is in vacation in London answering office emails. Clearly, I pulled her over the other side.)
I do know how to take slow, deep breaths.
And surrender my life to this moment…
For five minutes at a time.
But on that sixth minute?
Surrender is a pile of horse shizzle ten miles on the road behind me, because I’ve already jumped back into the saddle and I’m driving at life full speed ahead with whips in my hands.
I would like to learn to relax.
But who will clean the house, pay the bills, drop off the kids, and look for the lost pair of church pants every single Sunday for ten years running? Who will do the tele-seminars, and send you the recordings within twenty-four hours, thank you very much, train the teams, and create new email campaigns?
The relaxed lady with her feet kicked up in the air, sipping a Virgin Pina Colada (I had to add that, because it just seemed right even though I don’t drink Pina Coladas. I’m also not a virgin. Thankfully.)
I think not. She is a lovely idea in my mind. A woman that I ONE DAY want to be.
But I honestly do not know how. The healer in me would love to retire the warrior for one day, or forty-seven, but warriors do not retire easily. You know what usually happens to them?
They die in battle.
And this is how I really feel sometimes, like I am going to die if I don’t change my ways. Well, not really D-I-E all the way, like 6 feet under die (let’s not be dramatic) but like all my circuits are going to blow out and I’ll be down, baby down, face first on the ground if I don’t learn how to relax more.
I want this change and yet, I find that I am a constant dichotomy–morphing between a healer and a warrior. A Siamese kitten, and a lion..
I am one part: “Let’s kick some business butt and conquer the world.”
And one part: “Let’s just sit on our butt and meditate and hope we can save the world.”
I’ve got quite the circus going on inside here, and I am sure you are just as confused. My readers and students must surely wonder, “Who is this lady? And how many personalities can one person have? Are we doing email marketing today or ascension meditation?
Is it SEO or EFT?”
However, I know it’s time to change. I’ve been getting this spiritual message for many months now. I need to relax more. I need to slow down more, soften my ways, and live more frequently in the lighter side of my soul. In fact, last week during meditation, the message was so clear, that it was unmistakeably delivered in ONE VERY DEFINED sentence in my mind. The messenger was Christ. (If this is weird for you it only lasts a few seconds. So keep reading.)
“You don’t have to fight anymore.”
And I had a visual flash through my mind. A visual of me with two swords in my hand, surrounded by a gang of people, and I was holding them off with clenched fists and long blades.
Now, this is not the way my life actually LOOKS … I mean the streets aren’t that rough in suburbia, but this is most definitely, how it FEELS.
This is the chic that gets stuff done.
She’s the one that survived 10 years of sexual abuse as a child, the death of her father to a drug overdose, 9 years married to a husband with no job while he went to school full time (while she had two babies.) She wrote a book, started a company, went to 6 figures in under a year, broke sales records, created 7 coaching programs, all while putting dinner on the table every night (almost) and raising those two babies, plus two more.
When I need to do something, anything that might seem difficult, I go find her. I go right into that warrior energy. She is intensity, and fire, and she will go animalistic on anything in her way.
Although, I am beginning to feel she is not the real me. I have played her so often, that I’ve “become” her at times, and not known another way to live. I think the “real” me is super soft, very gentle, and kinda yummy inside like a big fat warm juicy doughnut. Much of the time, I can visit my life this way–but I never live there for long.
I think she is how I LEARNED to be. She is tough because she had to be to survive this place. I love this warrior woman. I owe my life to her. She saved my butt from defeat about 10,000 times and if my life looks in any shape, way or fashion to you that it is even the slightest bit glamorous or easy, we have obviously never actually met each other.
But when life feels like it’s a battle, you can get very, very tired and after three and half decades of one territory to claim after another, you long for a soft bed and fluffy pink jammies.
It was clear, that something had recently shifted for me. I wasn’t just feeling it, I was being told that those times were over, or at least temporarily suspended. I earned my stripes as a warrior. I did what I came to do with that part of me. I needed that warrior side to tame some very rough territory these first few decades of earth life. I went through hell and healed it. I birthed the babies and the book. I started the company and the coaching programs.
And now the General was changing my marching orders…
“You don’t need to fight anymore.”
Not a moment passed before I asked Him in total bewilderment, but absolute sincerity …“How will I get anything done?”
He answered me in a simple, loving, “Let me pat you on the head, you well meaning, adorable, sweet, very young child” manner…
Just ask for it.
And then another picture flashed through my mind: A queen in her castle, governing her life, calmly ruling her affairs of the day with clarity and wisdom.
I thought to myself. Who would I rather be— The renegade warrior on the battle field, or the queen in the castle? And am I really so naive as to think that I have to fight and struggle to accomplish my mission here and that I will somehow do more good as the puny warrior in the middle of a fight, rather than a queen, calmly ruling her affairs.
And the next thought …
Wait, wait, WAIT… JUST ASK FOR STUFF?
Hold the phone.
Is that what everyone else has been doing all this time?
I knew the message was right and I chose to follow it.
I felt peaceful…for a moment
But the next day, I went into total panic….
(to be continued) …. hopefully soon.