Category Archives: Happy Relationships!

Biz Tip: Stay Inside Your Boundaries

Boundaries

From thousands of hours of coaching, it seems that nearly all business/relational conflicts come down to boundary issues.

“What is my part?”
“What is your part?

Do what’s yours.

Do it with clarity, and pure intent and don’t own what isn’t yours (and don’t apologize)

More to come later..

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The Choice is Yours

12_23

Christmas is a time of many exciting things, but it’s not perfect.

A lot of people grieve and others suffer from unmet expectations.
Whatever we’re experiencing, there are so many choices that can make a difference in how we feel.

Sending love and peace, wherever you happen to find yourself.

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I Approve of Myself

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Get Bright Lights Daily! HeatherMadder.com/daily-bright-lights/

Everyday, you are creating your life according to your deepest beliefs. The more you allow these “I am” beliefs into your mind, the more they will take root in your life.

A must have arsenal in your skill sets.

 

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How to Empower People

10how-to-empower-others

Stop trying to make or influence people’s life decisions FOR them. Instead …

1. ASK THEM: WHAT do you WANT?

After they identify it …

2. ASK: WHAT ARE ALL YOUR OPTIONS?

Let them list ALL the possibilities (and suggest some they might not see)

3. WHICH DO YOU FEEL IS RIGHT FOR YOU?

Let the decision come from inside of them, with their own resources and innate power. If they need coaching, new ideas, more options, or help with blocks, OFFER it. But THEY MUST CHOOSE ON their own.

Once they decide…

4. ASK: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NEXT? and perhaps…WHAT SUPPORT WOULD YOU like FROM ME?

Say yes (or no!) to their specific requests. REQUIRE that they ASK directly and specifically for what they want with your involvement and do exactly (only) what you said you would do.

THIS IS A GREAT MODEL FOR EMPOWERING PEOPLE, rather than enabling them.

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I Am Honest

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My favorite thing about team calls is not growth numbers or big plans…but the HONESTY.

We have a culture of genuine authenticity where you can talk about where you’re weak or what you’re not good and that’s just what we do. You can share anything. No gossip. There’s no judgment. No backlash. (No one would listen if you tried.)

A celebration in the truth-telling.

So people will actually say in front of everyone… “On a scale of 0-10 with this, I’m a 3.”

I get a thrill when I hear it. Sometimes I’m the one who starts it. I love it because it’s so real, I think.

And because whatever you can SEE, you can IMPROVE, and I feel the progress speeding along all around me.

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Be Your Real Self

justbereal

Your real friends are the people you can be your true self around and feel at ease. Image maintenance is a game people play when they don’t trust being themselves with each other.

The more at home we are with ourselves the more we find people we can be real with.

Any place you are trying to create an impression (or feel obligated to be) is not a true relationship, but a veneer. When you stop that practice altogether, that game that offers no true satisfaction ends for you.

Relationships are nothing more than the genuine experience two people are having with each other.

Nothing can replace the feeling of trusting people to stay when they can see you, so why bring them in under any under terms in the first place?

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Biz Tip: Stay Inside Your Boundaries

Boundaries

From thousands of hours of coaching, it seems that nearly all business/relational conflicts come down to boundary issues.

“What is my part?”
“What is your part?

Do what’s yours.

Do it with clarity, and pure intent and don’t own what isn’t yours (and don’t apologize)

More to come later..

Share This:

Helping Your Kids Address Fear

HowMyDaughterConquered
The ocean scares me,” she said as we walked along the pier the first day of our month long stay in California.

That’s not what I expected (or wanted) to hear, with 30 days of beach play in front of us.  But one of the rules I follow in parenting is that I let my kids articulate their thoughts and feelings without reacting to what they are telling me, so they don’t shut down.  I want them to be honest (and not hide) so I know how to guide them through their experiences.

“Oh yeah,” I asked inquisitively, “What about the ocean makes you feel afraid?”

“I don’t know, it’s just so so big,” she said sweeping her hands out from her body, “and you like, don’t know what’s going to happen, Because it’s just SO big.”

I smiled.

“It IS big,” I said. “I can see how someone your size might feel that way.”
(Affirmed what she revealed to me.)

I  paused for a minute thinking about how best help her through the fear.

After a few moments, I asked, “Because it feels so big to you, do you not feel in control of what will happen?” (Follow up question to help her get more clarity on the problem.)

“I don’t know,” she said, “I might.”

“When things feel out of control for me, sometimes there is a part of me that wants to feel afraid.” (Relating to her so she felt safe to keep talking.)

“What do you think are some things we can do to help make it easier for you?
(Focusing on the next step to help her solve the problem.)

“I am not sure yet.”
She changed the subject and I let that be the end of it for the day.

I told David about the experience and on Day 2, he went to the surf shop with her and together they got a wet suit to keep her warm and buoyant in the water.

It hugged her body and covered her arms and legs.  She looked like she’s been spray painted with colored, cushion foam.   10384531_10152516674307390_7039553460999085382_n

On Day 3, wrapped in her wet suit, she grabbed a boogie board and headed for the water all by herself.  To my amazement, she kept going father and farther away from shore.

After a few minutes, I tried to get her attention to tell her where to stop, but immersed in the roar of the ocean, she couldn’t hear me.  She never looked back; she just kept swimming and soon she was so far out, I sent one of her brothers out to retrieve her so I could tell her where the limits were.

“So, I guess you’re not afraid of the ocean anymore?” I asked.

She smiled, “No, I LOVE it out there.”

A total and complete change in less than 48 hours.

I love this story because it reminds me of the STEPS children (and adults) need to go through when they are addressing fears–especially ones where they feel their safety is involved.

One of the things to remember is:
HOW PEOPLE FEEL … is HOW THEY FEEL.
It doesn’t mean that it’s right (or wrong), it just means that it’s TRUE for them.

A simple acknowledgement of an emotion will cause it to get smaller, but denying it, will make it bigger.

Acknowledging WHERE PEOPLE ARE, is the fastest way to get them to the next place, because they more you deny it, the stronger they feel they have to hold onto that emotion in order to get acknowledged.

Emotions are a lot like children throwing a fit.  They want some attention.  Giving it a very brief, “I see this,” is all you have to do.

It also doesn’t mean that we need to over-indulge the emotion or give into what it’s saying.
Enabling children by telling them to stay away from their fear, doesn’t help them cope with life and learn how to move past things, which is a skill they are going to need.

When we can SEE where they are, we can GUIDE them (effectively) in WHAT to DO ABOUT IT.

I have seen parents shut their children’s feelings so much that eventually their kids shut down altogether when they’re with them; they lie to their faces or they just go to other people.  (They still feel the same, but they withdraw from their parents.)

It’s low on the emotional intelligence scale and totally self-oriented.

What we’re really saying is “I” want you to feel what “I” THINK YOU SHOULD.

Of course, other parents go too far in the other direction where they don’t guide their kids PAST what they are experiencing and keep them away from anything that feels emotionally difficult for them.

This isn’t serving them either, because they don’t have the SKILL SET to move forward past their emotions.

It’s important to be aware that all life experiences of our children are stored in their subconscious for their entire lives.  If you think that how you are treating them when they are 3 is not going to be remembered, it will be.

It will not only be remembered, it will become a part of how they see and respond to the world.

It’s low-scale when you try to solve one problem with a strategy that creates lateral damage.

Instead of shutting down the people in your life and running over their thoughts and feelings (or placating them so much they become weak and immobilized), try these simple steps instead:

____________

1. Ask them to give voice to the emotion and show no reaction other than affirm you’re listening.

2. Acknowledge that it’s real for them.  Don’t argue or disagree with what they tell you. Once people feel acknowledged, their emotions usually lessen or go away; if you resist or deny them, they increase.

3. Ask them a follow up question so that THEY have more clarity on what’s going on.

4. Ask them “What’s the next step?” Don’t stop the conversation with empathy and baby them so much that they get the message they can sit down and stop moving just because they feel afraid.

____________

I did the listening part, but it was my husband who saw the solution right away.

When he gave her the wetsuit, it made her feel more physically comfortable and being buoyant made her feel in control enough to totally go for it.

I love how my daughter changed on her OWN when she felt safe.
I love that we have learned over the years how to guide our kids through the steps, instead of violating them.

I loved that when she had gone through the process, and felt she had control,
we had to REIGN her in..not throw her in.

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How I Run Two Businesses & Don’t Stress Out

twobusinesses

People always ask me why I’m not stressed out in business, even though I run two companies and spend tons of time with my kids.

I tried to come up with the best way to explain it:
Here’s my answer.

FIRST, I identify WHAT I WANT and the the SUCCESS STEPS to Get Me There.

It takes some time to come up with this.

I go to people who have already been successful in what I want to build. I read the trends from the experts, and look at the stats.  I am terrible at math, but I am good at spotting trends and I use what’s currently working to develop my motions.

As I make my plan, I run it by the most successful mentors I know and get their advice and I am willing to pay for it.

I never let people advise me who haven’t ALREADY CREATED what I am doing. The well meaning, but under-experienced have no vote in my world.

A “maximum impact” strategy means when I am at work, I KNOW that I am going to get the most mileage for every hour I spend.

I may only spend 4-5 hours a day at work, but the right steps with maximum force add up to multiple six figures a year for me–so strategy is essential.

Next, I need to develop manageable steps to execute the “maximum impact” plan.

I often draw on large sheets of paper on my kitchen counter or take a dry erase marker to the wall of mirrors in my bathroom. I start scribbling and mapping with squares and arrows and writing out the STEPS to get me where I want to go.

I usually do this part alone because it probably looks somewhat maniacal.
And, I have to give it total focus.

My whole mind is engaged and running a barrage of ideas through my hand, looking for the right placement.

I easily go through a whole stack of papers, scribbling shapes, writing, re-writing, scratching it out freehand until it feels just right.

I have to get inside the FEELING of what I am going to do and connect that feeling to SIMPLE STEPS that are measurable to PERFORM.

This all pours out onto sheets of paper and when they are refined, I have my MAP.

Next, I next create “check-points” for each step.

Who am I going to engage at each of these points?
What are the “threshold points” to getting them accomplished?
What are the blocks that will stop this step from happening?

After I write it out, I go into the testing phase.

I make myself perform the steps over and over and over again,
perfecting as I go. I do everything I ask other people to do.
I learn by DOING it myself–so THIS is essential.

And I look at the RESULTS along the way.

What are the conversion rates?
What works the best? What are the benchmarks and roadblocks?
Where does this fail? What could be better?

After I gauge the results, I go back and fine tune the steps.

So…develop an OVERALL STRATEGY. Then outline…
BASIC STEPS to Complete the Strategy.

Then I TEACH the steps and strategies to everyone in my organization.

I make sure the instruction is:

1. Easy to understand and can be re-explained in COMMON WORDS.
2. It’s simple enough they WILL ACTUALLY DO IT.
3. Everyone is CONNECTED to the TOOLS they need to ACHIEVE IT.
4. They RECEIVE an INCENTIVE for performing it (at least in the beginning.)
5. They can REPORT on their progress and have means to get help.

————

As my teams run the strategy I ask them how we can make it better.

They are the very best advisors–and the people whose voice matters most!
I never pretend that I am the one who knows. I assume that I am the one who “doesn’t know,” so that I can access more knowledge than I have at this time.

I listen and LOOK for all the feedback I can get from the right people.

I often stay away from things that people can’t duplicate or teach themselves, don’t get overall results, brand-new things that aren’t well tested, or things that I don’t feel inspired to do…

Honestly, there are a LOT of things in my business that I DON’T do.
What I DON’T DO– is equally important as what I do.

This is what creates the space around my day and allows time with my family to be un-rushed and meaningful.

Everyday I wake up and ask God, “What is next?”

I put my whole self into His streams of communication and keep a part of my attention attuned to Him throughout the day.  He directs the words, the appointments and even the cut off times.

I find it easy to LET GO of what doesn’t work for me or my family to follow hard after WHAT DOES work and what I feel inspired to do.

The rest of it, I leave alone.

I found that we are not as busy as we think we are, when God is directing the schedule.

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I really feel that we can be successful at what we want when we understand
THE SYSTEMS that create our success.

And we can break those systems down into MANAGEABLE Steps.

No one wants to achieve something great, and be worn thin and stressed out
while they get there.

People don’t want to be led by someone who isn’t LIVING in a peaceful, happy, values-based manner.

At least for me, this personal business plan is what helps me create what I desire and show others … YOU CAN DO THIS, too!

and we can be HAPPY and solid in ourselves and our families along the way!

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Who We Really Are

TheLittleSoulAndSun

Last night my daughter was curled up on the couch next to me, her body leaning into an over-stuffed white pillow, her hair still damp from a night-time swim.

It was story time, and she wanted to read, “The Little Soul and the Sun.”

As we turned the pages, we read about a little Soul, made of pure Light.

This soul wanted to experience more of itself and went to God to find out how.

God explained that it would be tricky, because all that He had created was formed of His light, and there was a Oneness to everything that existed.

He explained that it was like a million candles glowing in the Sunlight. Each one was a part of the Whole, but each one was Light. They were individual and also One.

The Little Soul was persistent and wanted to experience more of itself, and to perceive more of Who He was.

God told him that the only way to do this–for him to FEEL the depth of who he was individually–would be through CONTRAST.

Because he was PURE LIGHT, and all that he knew was similar to himself…

He would have to experience the opposite–darkness.

The CONTRAST would give the Little Soul the ability to FEEL more of himself.

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My daughter and I took turns reading, and I watched her slender fingers hold the book and turn the pages. Sometimes, she would stop reading and say, “I don’t understand what this part means.”

I searched my mind for the most simple way to explain it to her.

I told her that if the lights were always on, and the sun was always shining, you wouldn’t know what Light was, because it was the only thing your eyes had ever seen.

But if someone turned the Lights off, and you sat in darkness for a while, you would finally perceive Light, because you knew its opposite. For example…

We are LOVE–but we know LOVE more, through experiencing the opposite of Love–violence and hatred.

We are PEACE–but we know PEACE more deeply, through the opposite.
Like stress and anxiety.

“Oh, I get it.”

That was as far as we got. She was too tired to finish the book and fell asleep quickly.

———–

Later, I was thinking of what we talked about and I had a deep appreciation for ALL earth experiences.

Everything returns to Light.

Everything returns to Love.

The darkness and separation we experience today is only for the shortest period.

Earth school is nothing more than a character development process.

Then my mind went radical.

Maybe it’s a great experience to have people hate you, turn against you, and do harm to you?

First of all, none of it can last.

Yes, there are consequences for those things, but for the one who RECEIVES those experiences, in the end, EVERYTHING comes to wholeness again.

It’s all about the DEPTH that is created THROUGH those allotted time periods.

Maybe God allows us to have these experiences–maybe we even agree to have them at some level–because equal to that depth of darkness, a place is carved out in our perception that positions us for greater and greater heights (and experiences!) of Light to fill it.

Interesting…

“Bless everything.”

That was my conclusion.

Thankfully, we don’t have to wait to go back home to heal.  We can do it NOW.

We can access LIGHT in earth school, the same as we can at home with God.

If we can see a purpose to our “low places” and keep reaching back for our true, loving, perfectly worthy selves, we can accelerate our growth process in every experience.

We can graduate from our experiences more quickly–at an accelerated pace.

Often we get confused by the experiences thinking that the OPPOSITE–is who we are.

In our language, we even claim ownership.

We say, “I AM lonely” … instead of, “I am having the experience of loneliness.”

We are not alone. We are connected to 7 billion other lights on the earth, all the angels in heaven, and to the Creator at the very same time.  Even the trees are made of the same light we are.

In truth, it’s pretty crowded here.

Having the EXPERIENCE of LONELINESS–might be ours for an allotted time, simply so we could see and appreciate just how much company we have.

I love God’s answer to the Little Soul.

You experience who YOU ARE NOT, so you can FEEL who you are.

That is what we are doing here.

We can’t get lost thinking that our low experiences and places ARE us.

They are not us.

They are carving out a space in us for HIGHER AWARENESS.

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